Prince charming does exist. He just doesn’t look the way you think he does. Keep your eyes open.
-16 year-old American girl.
I've been watching you from behind the glass wall for some time now, even though you are unaware of my presence. I'm talking to you, knowing that you can't hear me. The problem is that fear has paralyzed me; I don't know how to proceed. Our relationship was thriving, but now everything is going to change; I don't know if for better or worse. I shouldn't have followed your advice. I didn't agree with what you suggested, yet I didn't have the courage to say no.
You're going to be disappointed. We should have left everything the way it was. I don't understand why you wanted to change things. I shouldn’t have let you persuade me. I don't like proximity very much, especially when it comes to physical intimacy, I don't enjoy being touched or touching others. I’d rather communicate over the phone, or even better, through email.
Do you understand what I mean? The human body is not exactly appealing. We urinate, we defecate, we pass gas, we get foul breath, unpleasant body odors, and eye boogers; our skin wrinkles, loses its softness, and becomes blemished; fat builds up, or bones become more visible. A naked human body can be rather repulsive. The body is nothing but a pestilent, nauseating prison from which, fortunately, the soul escapes when we die. For me sex is only a formality to satisfy a physiological urge, and once it is consummated, it lacks any transcendental meaning.
On the other hand, according to what you have told me, you are always longing for affection, a kiss, a hug, the touch of a skin, the warmth of a hand, as if they were the air that you breathe, the food that satisfies your hunger; as if your life depended on it.
We are so different in that regard. The essence of our being—whether you call it the soul, mind, or spirit—is truly unique. Why did we fall in love? Because our souls resonate in a deeply similar way. You see? That’s the explanation. The bond binding us is as strong as steel. Our romance is unfathomable. On our road there are no stumbling blocks, no retaining walls, and no dangerous curves. Our passion is not founded on physical attraction or primal instincts but, on the communicative capacity of the mind and the transforming power of the spirit. Do you see? We refuse to let outside forces control our relationship. We do not wear masks; we do not play roles, as an actor does in a theatrical farce; we do not disguise our true selves.
Listen to what I say. No human relationship is entirely pure, since various external factors influence them. No one falls in love with anyone and values them solely for their inner qualities. We (often subconsciously) take into account numerous conditions: physical appearance, race, height, age, tone of voice, gestures, manners, nervous tics, financial position, social standing; the opinion that your family, friends, and society in general have of that person; religious upbringing, educational background, intellectual abilities; even their first name. Many marriages are little more than a business transaction.
In our case, these aspects are of no importance. You might think I am weird, but I assure you that our union is stronger and more legitimate than that of those around us who live together under false pretenses. We are not simply two interacting bodies, but rather two minds whose channels of communication are wide open. Whether I like you or dislike you, whether our love grows and strengthens or weakens and disappears, solely depends on how much our ideas and feelings overlap or diverge, whether our minds are more or less tuned to the same frequency, or whether they fail to connect at all.
Look, I've mentioned this before. At some point in our lives, we have to confront the reality of existential loneliness. No one can know our most intimate thoughts or feel our most intense emotions—not even those closest to us like partners, children, parents, or friends. We live in a world full of individuals, each with their own internal universe. However, difficult as it may seem, we are all looking for a soul mate. We want to find someone with whom we can be honest, in front of whom we can think out loud, with whom we can communicate freely with the certainty that we are being understood. That's the kind of connection you and I share.
Getting too close may damage our relationship. Do you think I am crazy? That I have a twisted mind? Perhaps I do. But the thought of losing you is terrible and unbearable. I hope you understand me. After all, aren't you the one who claims that matter doesn't truly exist, that when we touch something we're not really touching anything, that all that happens is that the protons and electrons that make up our bodies are attracted and repelled by the protons and electrons of the things we touch, without there being any real contact, that the subatomic particles of our being, agitated by the proximity of the nuclear particles of other bodies, become unbalanced and transmit a disturbance, through the nerves, to the brain, where the sensation, the illusion of being in contact with something, is created?
So, in reality, the body has no existence of its own; it is merely a concept, a fallacy, a mirage, very convenient indeed, but all the same, a construct of the mind. What we call the body is a very complex entity, but it does not correspond to any objective reality. Energy, not matter, is the driving force of the universe. Therefore, the most important things are the mind, the soul, and the spirit, because they are immaterial, they are energy, and consequently (according to the first law of thermodynamics), they are eternal. Ultimately, all the power existing in the universe is mental, not physical. Keep that in mind!
I have no idea how I'm going to react when we're lying in bed, naked, hugging each other, pressed against each other, one inside the other, soaked with sweat, saliva, semen, vaginal fluids, and tears, wrapped in the mist of our own breath. You're going to regret it. Isn't what I give you enough? Why did I have to say yes to your proposition?
That's why I don't know what decision to make. Should I stay here and leave you standing there, holding the banner with my name on it, staring at the arrivals gate, waiting for someone who will never show up? Or should I run to you, hug you, and kiss you... for the first time?
© William Almonte Jiménez, 2024
