Amare non significa guardarsi l'uno a l'altro ma guardare insieme nella stessa direzione.
(Love does not mean looking at each other but looking together in the same direction.)
-Graffiti on the tombstone of Oscar Wilde at Père Lachaise.
The French poet Lamartine once wrote:
Douce ou grave, tendre ou sévère,
L'amitié fut mon premier bien :
Quelle que soit la main qui me serre,
C'est un cœur qui répond au mien.
Gentle or serious, tender or severe,
Friendship was my first treasure:
No matter who shakes my hand,
It’s a heart responding to mine.
He was talking about the charm of human connections, specifically platonic love. Friendships are generally easy to maintain. True friends accept us for who we are, allowing us to be honest and express our thoughts freely in their presence.
A romantic relationship that includes love, loyalty, solidarity, and complicity has a solid foundation to build upon. Honesty, effective communication, avoiding assumptions, and having realistic expectations are a good place to start.
But romantic relationships are more complicated than they may seem. Why is that? Is it because our expectations are higher? Could it be related to the complexities of human behaviour and male and female sexuality? Have we been conditioned, in a Pavlovian manner, by our upbringing, education, religion, and the media? Or is it the focus on money, physical looks, and attraction that complicates matters? But what exactly are we attracted to?
I believe what makes someone appealing to us is an indescribable combination of physical traits, intellect, and moral character (based on our individual understanding of morality). While physical appearance may not be the most significant factor, it is often the first impression we have. It likely is the principal obstacle in the pursuit of romance. Frequently, we dismiss potential partners, and they turn us down, largely based on external looks.
Animal instincts compel males and females of diverse species to be attracted to one another for the sake of mating and reproduction, which ensures the survival of their genus. Natural selection employs physical characteristics to initiate and strengthen this attraction through various means, such as emitting pheromones, spreading wings, displaying feathers, singing, performing aerial acrobatics, and changing colours, among others. Perhaps this focus on physical appearance among humans is a product of millions of years of evolution.
While physical appearance matters, there are times when we find ourselves drawn to someone for reasons beyond looks. It might be their captivating smile, the kindness and sincerity reflected in their eyes, or the way their voice and words resonate with us, revealing a gentle and intelligent nature with a strong sense of justice. Additionally, their mannerisms, gestures, and the way they move their tongue when they speak can possess a certain poetic quality that appeals to us.
Ultimately, while both the mind and body are important, what we truly seek is a companion by our side who can hold our hands and view life and the world through the same window—or at the very least, another window that is not too far removed from our own.
© William Almonte Jiménez, 2009
