It occurred to him that what before had seemed completely impossible, especially the fact that he had not lived as he should have, could, after all, be true. It occurred to him that he had barely experienced his vital impulses; he had brutally repressed them; and they could have been the only true and real thing in his life, and everything else was false ... He tried to justify himself and suddenly felt how weak was what he was defending and justifying. There was nothing to defend.
-Leo Tolstoy (The Death of Ivan Ilyich)
Death arrived by mail. How crude! I was expecting It would show up in a more magnificent way; wearing the robe and the hood; the scythe in hand, and all; approaching slowly, after having crossed deserts, mountains, and seas; marching to the beat of Berlioz’s Danse Macabre; shaking the earth with its heavy steps. The increasingly audible rumble would fill me with horror; when it knocked on the door, the house would tremble; I would pee in my pants; and when the door tumbled down, and It showed me its fleshless face, I simply would die of fear.
Not so at all. It came in an envelope with no return address; addressed to me, of course, with a stamp that read: “Special Delivery”. It was a large kraft envelope, such as those used by the Ministry of Defence to notify families that their child died in a particular war. Since I did not have children in any war, fighting for the interests of the corporations and the ruling classes, I understood that I was being announced my own death.
When I opened the envelope, she came out of it; wearing high heels, dressed in a very short and tight black dress, with a neckline so low that I could almost see her tantalizing nipples. Uninvited, as if we were life-long friends, she walked across the room and sat on the couch, cross-legged, letting me see her bottom and panties.
“Aren’t you airhead going to give me a welcome kiss?” she said, looking at me in a lustful way.
Wow! A woman! And on top of that, beautiful and sexy. I was instantly overcome by a terrible desire to make love to her, till death. That’s what it was all about; my time was up.
“You are stunned by the fact that I am an alluring and lascivious woman. Aren’t you? You can’t deny it; can you? I am sure that at this very moment you're just thinking about fucking me; and sucking my tits and my pussy”.
“I'm not surprised that you're a woman, I am astounded that you are so profane.”
“It's because I'm not a sucker like you. I'm a badass bitch; I tell it like it is. The thing is Death is not what you think it is. It is something else. There are many of us up there, working in the Ministry of Termination, to be able to cope. We are only messengers. Let’s say we do the dirty work that the high-ranking bureaucrats decree, but don’t have the guts to execute. If someone was a good guy, like you, for example, they send me, so that you die happy. But if you were a son of a bitch, they send Stalin. That's not his real name; we call him like that because he is a sadist. That freaking monster enjoys making people suffer before they die. See? Those up above are not entirely an outfit of insensitive wretches; they have some sense of justice.”
“If they do, why did they put us all here? What is the purpose, the meaning of all this?”
“That's the trouble with you humans, you have to make sense of everything. You have wasted an obscene amount of energy and time seeking meaning in life. Philosophers, monks, and scientists have gone to extremes, trying to explain everything; but they haven’t reached any conclusions. The deeper you go, the bigger the mystery becomes. But all the same, like idiots, you keep looking for answers, and let yourselves be taken in by any religious leader who promises you heaven and eternal life. Desperately seeking meaning in life only produces stress, ulcers, depression, a tendency to invent religions that will tell you what you want to hear, and the willingness to hand over the control of your destiny to those demagogues. And they, of course, take advantage of you. And the most gullible suckers among you, if they do not find the answers they want, they commit suicide. What if you discovered that life does not have any meaning? That you're just a speck of dust in the vast universe? That your life is simply a series of random events? That your existence does not affect anything or anyone? What difference would it make? Who the hell told you that everything has to make sense? Is the Aurora Borealis less impressive if you do not understand the physical phenomena causing it? Isn’t it the other way around? When you know how the magician performs his tricks, it ceases to be magic. So, cut out the bullshit. If you want to eliminate the existential anguish that is overwhelming you, stop taking the zany stance of a master researcher that has to dissect life, and analyze the universe, to unravel their ultimate secrets, until he understands what makes life tick, what makes the universe turn in the direction it does. Your big mistake has been that you have spent the entire time seeking an explanation for life, instead of living it. That’s why your life is incomplete. You were given the opportunity to pass through this world. Who cares about the reasons? The purpose of your life is to live it to the maximum extent. I like the way your friend Carlo puts it (He is a good guy, by the way; I am not taking him away any time soon). He says: ‘The purpose of life is 50% procreation and 50% what you bring into it.’ Meaning that it is up to you to give purpose and direction to you life; you decide what will be the meaning of it. Live all you can! Travel, love, be yourself, spread love and goodness everywhere! Stop over-thinking things! The only real sin is wasting the time that you have been given on this planet. Do you know what will happen to you when you die? You will be fucked! You will return to where you came from, to dust. Do you know for how long? For all eternity! The atoms you are provided with will go back to Mother Earth. Afterwards, you will be reborn. Hell yes! In the petal of a flower, the leaf of a book, or the eyes of a beautiful woman, And, in that sense, you will live forever. But don’t panic, I'm not here to take you away. I'm here to warn you. You are being given a second chance. We know all about you; that you've always been a good guy; you've never let anyone down; neither your parents, nor your children, nor your friends, nor your women. That's all very well, but that phase of your life is over. After your children grew up and left the house, what have you done with your life? What do you think life is? They gave it to you so that you use it, so that you live it.”
“I do what I can, I travel, I read, I write.”
“And what good is that? You can understand and explain what is a differential equation, a pulsar, a black hole, the socio-political implications of Rousseau's Social Contract, where is the Sea of Marmara. But the simplest and most important things, like how to dance, you don’t know, you never learned. And when it comes to women, what have you done with them? Aren’t you ashamed of so much loneliness? Don’t you want to walk through the world hand in hand with somebody? You are lonelier than shit! Always regretting, and thinking nonsense. Your life has gone down the drain; you jackass!”
“What do you want me to do? I have attempted many things. Nothing has worked. Now I am giving up. I don’t even try anymore.”
“You have been given many opportunities to love, but you haven’t taken advantage of them.”
“Opportunities! That makes me laugh! You have always made me choose the lesser of two evils. I’ve never had a third choice.”
“There have been many women whose paths have crossed with yours. Isn’t it so?”
“That's not entirely true. Benazir and I could not feel anything for each other, other than a sincere friendship. Jill-Marie disdained me; I guess it was because I'm older; sometimes I think it was because I'm coloured. Both, Carmela and Nevin already had husbands. Neither Albania nor Guadalupe could make any room for me in their lives; the most important things for them were their children, their professions, and their country; they had to return to their mother land. Sofia had psychological issues that I could not resolve; I couldn’t help her; and besides, five cats exceeded the limit of my tolerance. But you can’t deny that it was different with Elise; that I really made an effort; that I really loved her; that I made room for her in my life and my heart; that I gave her the importance she deserved; she is the one who got bored, I suppose because devils are more fun than angels. But what I can do? You made me that way. How is it my fault that women prefer bad guys? And make no mistake; I have tried to be a bad guy; but it doesn’t look good on me; and it doesn’t work because it is fake and feigned.”
“What about Arsinée? Rumour has it that you're madly in love with her.”
“That's not true. And even if it were, what would be the point? She is not in love with me. Do you see? The story repeats itself. There’s no room for me in her life; the most important things for her are her children, her profession, and her country. Soon she will be leaving, never to return. How ironic! The women that I usually meet have to return to their mother land. Do you do that on purpose, to mess with our minds? Do you get bored up there? Do you have to play cruel jokes on us? Is that your idea of having fun?”
“Go to hell! Cut the crap, and tell what you’re going to do. Are you going to let her leave, like you let Albania and Guadalupe leave? Follow her to the end of the world! Don’t be a fucking fool.”
“Armenia is too far.”
“See? That's your problem, you're a pussy, shit-taker; you have no balls. The rest of your life, which is not much, you have to live it differently. I’m going to paraphrase three peoples; they are my kind of guys. Henry James: Live all you can. Not to do it is a big mistake; it does not matter much what you do, as long as you have your life. Doris Warshay: Travel to the farthest reaches of the world. Reach out for all the joy nesting in your soul. Change your limitations. Feel how your mind and your spirit grow. Live! Be! Exist! Love and desire! Pay attention to the truths inside you. James Kavanaugh: Go! Be free! Leave the sterile behind, in their safe barrenness! Go away, without saying where you’re going! Walk through a vacant field, and there, unload the world off your shoulders, and then walk away, carefree, like an unemployed Atlas. Are you shocked by this outburst of philosophy? You're not the only book-smart person in this world. I’m not as gross as you think I am. I, too, have achieved a certain degree of enlightenment. But the point is that you don’t have much time; and whatever is left of it, you have to use it wisely. If you do, they will send me to take you away; and you will be allowed to fuck me and suck me all you want; and you will have a pleasant death. If you don’t, you’re so fucked up. They will send Stalin to get you. And, believe me; it is not for nothing that the son-of-a-bitch has earned his reputation. He will make you die in the cruelest and most painful way you can imagine. So, be careful, think very well about what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Don’t fuck up!”
© Text and photo, William Almonte, 2020, 2012
