We
shall not cease from exploration
And
the end of all our exploring
Will
be to arrive where we started
And
know the place for the first time.
T. S. Eliot
When the ashen mantle covering the land starts to melt and the frozen streams begin to thaw, I finally emerge from the gloomy realm where I have dwelled for what feels like an eternity. As I step away from it I realize that, dark as it may be, it has been my home long enough to make it, at least, a familiar place. I sense that it is this new world, which I am entering, that should be feared.
I open my eyes and when I first see you, I am captivated by the radiance emanating from you. Your shapeless presence confuses me, making it hard to understand what or who you are or even where I am. A surge of terror overpowers me. I begin to cry. With each tear I inhale your essence, and your fluid form seeps deeper into my being. Completely disoriented, I instinctively withdraw in fear.
Then you come closer to me, extending your hands and smiling. Although I am still frightened, I understand it is futile to keep resisting and fearing you. I become convinced that I need to trust you, accept your hand, and stop crying. I must allow myself to be swept away by the infinite possibilities insinuated in the gentleness of your touch. I realize it is necessary to follow the light shining from your face.
Holding back my tears and fears, shaking and uncertain, I let you hold me close. I reach out to you, breathing in your scent, tasting you, and experiencing a sense of safety. I dare to crawl out of the comfort, unawareness, and state of nothingness of my amniotic world and take my initial steps into the unfamiliar.
I tightly grasp your hand and stroll beside you, feeling reassured. As we continue to move forward together, fear gives way to courage, doubts to certainty, shadows to brightness, and bleakness to foliage. The dreary sky, the blizzard, the drifting snow, the freezing rain, and the ice storm have all vanished.
The first blades of grass turn green, and new leaves sprout fresh and intense. Irises, camellias, daffodils, hyacinths, tulips, and pansies are blooming all around. After a long absence, robins, bluebirds, sparrows, orioles, blackbirds, hummingbirds, swallows, and cardinals have returned, filling the air with countless cheerful notes. Meanwhile, bees and butterflies are inseminating the stigmas and micropyles, while sunlight catalyzes the generation of life.
As all living things engage in mating, you approach me like a siren, enticing and teasing, luring me with your enchanting voice. While I still have to learn to fully trust you, the germ of life begetting new life surrounds me, and the sensational orgy unfolding before my eyes is contagious.
You speak with cunning and persuasive words, making unusual promises. You grasp my hand and force me to stroke your hair and your face, to feel the moisture of your tempting lips, to caress your seductive breasts, and to feel the pulsating force within them. My quivering fingers delve into the unfathomable abyss of your navel; they explore the riddle of your thighs and the fearsome magic of your sex.
I can no longer resist you. All my defenses have collapsed. I fully succumb to this awesome yet dangerous attraction that is likely to lead me crashing to your rocky shores. I frantically attempt to absorb and recall every line, every curve, every angle, and every recess of your body. I yearn to be consumed by your breath of fire, your kiss of life, and your kiss of death. Your spores have contaminated all my insides, and the infection is irreversible.
By the time the cattails and reeds have grown tall, the ponds are teeming with frogs, the damp haze lingers heavily in the air, and the sweltering nights arrive, I find myself copulating with you like a wild animal, still inebriated by the hyper-stimulation of the senses that the rebirth of nature brings.
I am discovering, exploring, touching, and tasting every inch of your body. I am completely under your spell, entirely powerless and at your mercy. Wrapped around you, I vanish, I cease to exist, time stands still, and I dissolve. I desire to be inside you. I long to leave my fluids in you and all over you. I crave to cling to you and die a thousand deaths.
Once the goldenrods have claimed every vacant field, and the leaves turn to brown, wither, and crumble beneath my feet, my self-confidence is shattered too. You become as cold as the weather. Aloof, stingy and vindictive.
I become jealous and possessive. I have charted the entire geography of your body, and now my fixation on you takes a risky turn. I feel the urge to know your mind. Yet, deep down I recognize that this is futile. You will reveal to me only what you choose, and I should give up trying to understand you. Most importantly, I need to stop wanting you. I am plagued by the unsettling thought that, for some unclear reason, you might be using me while allowing me to use you as a pathway to reach some undefined destiny.
I am afraid that you are an accomplice to an immutable force that I am unable to combat, a force that is slowly but relentlessly pushing me towards the fulfillment of my inevitable fate. I analyze, rationalize, and dissect every one of your moves and moods, as well as every subtlety in your words, in an attempt to comprehend why you lifted me to the heights of total ecstasy, only to let me plunge into the chasm of complete agony. However, this doubt, rationalization, and analysis lead me to no answers. I begin to sink into despair.
As the days grow shorter and the sky darkens, I reluctantly arrive at the painful realization that, for reasons beyond my understanding, this happiness is meant to be temporary. My leaves will eventually fall, and my spirit will fade. You never promised to love me forever. I must accept that I will lose you and that you will have to go. Demanding explanations is pointless.
I have come to realize that I could venture into the wormhole, travel to the far side of the galaxy, return to the primeval egg just nanoseconds after the Big Bang, split atoms, and break the genetic code in search of my dark matter and antimatter, only to find out that no force in this world or any other can alter this scheme of things, this state of being; that nothing can prevent you from abandoning me.
Even if I attempt to hold on to you, fused in a timeless embrace, we will inevitably reach the critical mass and trigger a chain reaction. My particles will collide with your antiparticles, leading to my complete annihilation. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, positrons to electrons, protons to antiprotons. You will vanish, and I will disintegrate in a dazzling flash of gamma rays, going back to the maelstrom where I was begotten—where I will remain forever. Fuck!
© William Almonte Jiménez, 2010
