Love
is not just physical; it’s more than that. Love is survival. It is an
indestructible instinct. And like pain, it is incommunicable.
–James
Kennaway: “The Mindbenders”
Madman
Hi
Sara, sorry I’m late. I wish I could have been there with you, in the lonely
and desolate night. Forgive me.
Sara
I
am the one who needs to be forgiven. What I did was wrong.
Madman
Don’t
be ashamed. We are only humans.
Sara
Yes,
but I was selfish. I heard about what had happened to you, and I didn’t even stop
to think. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. Tell me what happened.
Madman
Well,
when Carmen called and said we were through, that our relationship had become
stale, that our life together had no future, that sex was boring, that I am no
longer exciting, that she doesn’t love me anymore, I didn’t know how to
respond. I was just glad we were talking over the phone. That spared me the
humiliation of breaking down in her presence.
Sara
You
were together for about five years. Wasn’t there anything you could have said
or done to make her change her mind?
Madman
No,
I don’t think so.
Sara
Did
it get you by surprise?
Madman
No,
it didn’t. I could see it coming. For months, things were not going right. I
could feel her gradually slipping away from me, becoming more and more
distanced, and rejecting my affection.
Sara
Did
you ever talk to her about it?
Madman
I
brought up the subject on a couple of occasions; but she wouldn’t admit anything;
she would say that everything was fine, that it was all in my imagination. All
the time, I would analyze our relationship, and my behaviour, trying to find
out what was wrong with me, or what was it that I wasn’t doing right. I mean, I
had my little issues, dilemmas, baggage, neuroses, obsessions, compulsions, and
tics; but, who doesn’t? I mean, after all, we are humans; any human being who
has lived this long has them; only a machine wouldn’t; it is human nature; the
human condition. Maybe I am exaggerating; I’m just trying to be honest. The
point is that I never let those deficiencies, as I call them, come between us,
and ruin our relationship. I always kept them under control. Granted, I am not
the greatest guy on earth, the best lover in bed, the tall, athletic, sexy,
good-looking guy that women dream about, but I am a good guy. I was crazy about
her; I always treated her right, loved her, and respected her. No matter where
I was, or what I was doing, if she was with me, I was happy. I was very much in
love, but I wasn’t overwhelming, I gave her as much space as she wanted. I did
my best to be my best. But, obviously, that still wasn’t good enough. That thought would crush me and throw me into
despair. But I would always land back on my feet, convinced that there was
nothing I could do about it. I have been told that I worry too much, that I am
too intense, that I take everything too seriously, that above all I should not
take women seriously. But, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? That I’d better
take things lightly? That I should be irresponsible? That I have to be an
asshole because, unfortunately, that’s the kind of men that make it in this
world, and, ironically, that’s the kind of men women are attracted to? I think that’s bullshit. Believe me, I have
tried, but it doesn’t suit me. I mean, I have tried unsuccessfully to change
myself. But, I am who I am. I cannot control other peoples’ behaviour; I cannot
make her love me. Love is something you feel spontaneously and give freely. So,
I just stood there, helpless, watching things unravel and fall under their own
weight, unable to change the course of events, knowing that it would, sooner
than later, be over. Actually, I knew it
was all over, in Leipzig
Sara
What
do you mean? What happened in Leipzig
Madman
About
six months ago, we spent a week there. All the time we were there, except for
holding hands, she wouldn’t let me near her. One day, wandering around
Augustusplatz, I caught myself staring at the girls, following them with my
eyes, and craving to be with them, like I used to do when I was alone, before I
met Carmen. That upset me very much. At the end of the day, we stopped at
Grundmann, for coffee. It was raining. The distant horizon still showed traces
of the dying sun. The rain always exacerbates my romantic or melancholy mood,
whichever I happen to be in. I was sitting there, drinking my coffee, admiring
the beauty of Wilhelmstrasse in the rain, feeling the vibrations caused by the
trams passing by, and thinking about what had happened in Augustusplatz. I
figured there was nothing to be upset about; I was just feeling terribly
lonely. Later, when we had returned to our hotel, by the Hauptbahnhof, I
couldn’t take it anymore, and begged for a hug. She did hug me, but I could feel
how detached she was while she did it. After that, I went to the shower, and
cried.
Sara
How
are you holding on?
Madman
It’s
hard. Sometimes I can’t find the strength; I feel that I am being forced to
walk too close to the precipice; that I am losing my footing. Today and
yesterday become only a passing dream and I want to peacefully sink into
the soothing, cleansing, redeeming waters, and be buried in the open sea, far
from the lights and the harbour bars, deep in the waves, where I long to be,
under a sky of stars.
Sara
What
are you going to now?
Madman
I
don’t know. I would like to stay alone. The yearning for company and affection
is always there, but I think it is useless to start over. I am tired, and
disappointed. I don’t think I have the will and the stamina to try again.
Sara
Don’t
you need the company of somebody to be happy?
Madman
I
don’t exactly believe in the myth of the men, the women, and the androgynous
being cut in half by Zeus and Apollo, and in their search for their other half throughout
the millennia. We are alone, and we will always suffer from existential
loneliness because we are all individuals and nobody else can experience life
the way each one of us does. We have to learn to be independent,
individualistic, and self-reliant.
Sara
That
sounds very profound, but, philosophical considerations aside, I say we all
need to be close to somebody in a special way. Some say they don’t need anybody
to live a happy life; I don’t believe them. But, then again, maybe they are
telling the truth, and they are extraordinary people who’ve been blessed by the
gods. But truth is we all have weak moments, rough times, and we need a hand to
hold on to, a sympathetic ear, and a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps I’m just an
average girl who finds life so much more enjoyable in the company of someone who
has a similar outlook on life. When we are loved, we can take on anything life
throws on our way. I also happen to believe the human touch has healing powers.
Madman
Don’t
know, maybe you’re right. But it sucks.
Doesn’t it? To a great extent you are at the mercy of others. Sometimes I
simply ache to be hugged by a woman. Problem is, finding the right company is
more difficult than winning the lottery. Is that the way our brain has been wired? Is
that our real character, or a perversion of it? Is it an anomaly of nature, a
cruel joke by the gods? Or is it that the unfinished search and unsatisfied
desires serve a purpose in the evolutionary process? What the fuck is it? All I
know is we are all searching for something.
Sara
Then, if you keep searching you will find.
Madman
Don’t
you think feeling lonely, needing somebody else means feeling inferior?
Sara
No,
I don’t. The feeling of loneliness is bigger and deeper than the feeling of inferiority. Most of the time, inferiority is an illusion,
a trick of our mind. But, loneliness is real and true. It is like a wound, a
void, an immense silence that emphasizes what we lack, and our quest for it.
Madman
And
we try to feel that void with love. But as much as love is a hunger for life,
it is also a yearning for death. This
thing we call Love is a mirage, a trick of nature to make the male and female
feel attracted sexually to each other, for the preservation of the species.
Love is temporary. Regardless of whom we fall in love with, sooner or later, we
will fall out of love. Rien ne se passé
si vite que le temps et l’amour.
Sara
Even
if that is true, you have to admit that living only within the boundaries of
our own egos is painful. We all yearn to escape from the prison of our own
individuality, and open up to the world. The phenomenon of falling in love, (if
you want to reduce it to a psycho-electric-chemical process, a genetically
determined instinct to secure the survival of the species) allows us to break
away from ourselves, and be one with somebody else. The dramatic collapse of
our defences, the almost disintegration of our usual self, and its
reintegration, or rather, accommodation with somebody else’s, is pure ecstasy. Loneliness
ceases to be! Not to mention the immense sexual gratification that comes with
mating with someone we are in love with. It’s a natural high. It is worth the
despair that follows when we fall out of love. .
Madman
We
humans are creatures so complex. Or shall I say twisted? We have physiological
needs, eating, drinking, sleeping, and mating. But we have also evolved, and
got upright on two feet, developed abstract thought, verbal speech, and an
infinite series of intangible or psychological needs. We need company,
conversation, sharing, touching and being touched. And whether those needs are
natural, or a perversion of our real humanity, we are powerless, we just have
to try and satisfy them. But what we call love is a curious thing; it seems
that we can not live without it, but it is impossible to find, and if we find
it, impossible to retain. In other words, we are fucked up.
Sara
Don’t
be so hopeless, you will love again. Don’t you believe in second chances, serendipity,
and the bright side of the Force making good things happen?
Madman
No,
I don’t. The universe is ruled by Chaos Theory, and Butterfly Effect. It is
just about sub-atomic particles randomly and erratically colliding with one
another, and annihilating one another. But then again, sometimes I think I am
being punished by some superior force.
Sara
What
do you mean?
Madman
Several
years before I met Carmen, I met another woman, Jill, with whom I had a short
relationship. She wasn’t exactly what I would call “my type”, but she was a
great woman, intelligent, kind-hearted, and she was really into me. So, I
decided she was worth taking the chance. I thought, what the hell, let’s give
ourselves an opportunity. Six months later, I realized what I kind of knew all
along, that she wasn’t the woman I wanted. Breaking up is never easy to do; it
is a drink that is bitter no matter how you serve it. So, I broke up with her,
and broke her heart. Causing suffering to somebody brings me a lot of pain. To
this day I feel guilty. I see this happening all the time, people falling in
love with people who don’t want them. Now, when somebody pours their emotions
and devotion on someone who rejects them: What an aberration! Why does nature
let such abominations happen? What sick superior intelligence is playing these
cruel jokes on us? But anyway, do you see my point? How I did unto others, it’s
being done unto me.
Sara
Do you blame her, I mean Carmen?
Madman
No,
I don’t. She did what she had to do. We
don’t get to choose when and with whom we fall in love, or out of love.
Remember? It’s all Chaos Theory, and
Butterfly Effect. It’s nobody’s fault;
if anybody’s, it is mine.
Sara
Don’t
you think you are being too harsh with yourself?
Madman
Maybe,
but the easy thing to do is to blame others for our own failures. A more
constructive approach is to blame ourselves, learn the lessons, and do better
next time.
Sara
Listen,
I have been your friend for many years, and I know how you react to things, and
suffer unnecessarily. I can see you are very sad, disappointed, and angry,
probably with yourself. Don’t! Don’t blame yourself. Like you said, it’s
nobody’s fault. Let time pass; your will feel better; Time cures everything. I
know it’s a cliché, but it is true. It’s also a matter of attitude; the way you
see suffering will make it better or worse. We all have to endure pain, and,
believe it or not, the result of it is, almost always, positive. Like Dumas
once said: “There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only
the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the
deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt
what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of living”. But, above all, don’t do what I did.
Madman
That’s
exactly what I am planning to do.
Sara
You’re
scaring me.
Madman
That’s
not what I mean. I don’t think I have the courage to take my own life. And
besides, when you do that, what a waste! Life keeps going on without you,
without all the good things you might have contributed to it. Look at you!
You’re gone! Somebody has to carry on. I still have many places to see, many
stories to write, many lives to touch. As I’ve said before, love is survival,
redemption, and salvation; but there are other ways to survive without romantic
love. There are always friends and family, and the aesthetic and mystic experience.
That’s what I mean. You know what I am talking about; you went through that.
Sara
I
did try to fill the void with the pleasure I derived from all that was
beautiful in nature, and from writing my poems. I tried to be constant, as the unchanging,
many-coloured sea. But, Life made
me scornful; and I gave up. Forgive me.
Madman
There
is nothing to forgive; we are only humans. There is nothing you can learn from
your mistakes, but I can. You tried unsuccessfully, but, I will come back. I
will carry on for you; I shall straighten like a flame, not in the great
calm of death, but in the vast ocean of life. And when life becomes
small, I will stand on the sea-ward dunes, and call your name. Isn’t that
what you told me to do?
Sara
I
am confused. Didn’t you say you don’t believe in anything transcendental? That
the universe is ruled by chaos and randomness?
Madman
I
know I said that. But, somehow, we are
more than just flesh and bones. We are capable of being kind and compassionate,
and do good things to others. And on top of that, the aesthetic experience can lead
to mystic ecstasy. When we use our intuition, instincts, and insights, in the
pursuit of some sort of communion with some kind of ultimate reality, spiritual
truths are revealed to us, with which, we become totally identified. The
reality of things, and minds, and lives, is multi-faceted, and we cannot
apprehend it, unless we choose to be loving, and pure in heart. The signs and
symbols of nature are laid before us, but, in the end, it is not through
perception, conception, or any other knowledge that we achieve complete
liberation; it is from the world within, our inner, positive individual
experience. Only then can we experience unity of nature and the deeper self.
And the quest for knowledge will no longer be necessary, for it is through the
suspension of all thoughts, and sense perception that we will achieve the
deepest communion with our own self. Call it whatever you want, a mystical
experience, a rapture, pure ecstasy, bliss, some wonderful or wonder-less state,
an epiphany. Some call it a powerful presence, an encounter with the divinity.
I call it the state of equilibrium, being at peace with myself and life. We
have issues, whether we acknowledge them consciously or not, that cause
anguish, alienation, and suffering. But when we get in contact with that high-order
reality within and without ourselves, we experience healing and enlightenment.
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