It Was All Over in Leipzig (Sara and the Mad Man)

Love is not just physical; it’s more than that. Love is survival. It is an indestructible instinct. And like pain, it is incommunicable.

–James Kennaway: “The Mindbenders”

Madman: Hi Sara, I apologize for being late. I really wish I could have been there with you in the lonely and desolate night. Please forgive me.

Sara: I am the one who needs to be forgiven. What I did was wrong. 

Madman: There’s no need to feel ashamed; we’re all human after all.  

Sara: Certainly, but I was being selfish. When I learned about what you went through, I didn’t take a moment to reflect. I was too caught up in my own pity. Please tell me what happened.

Madman: Well, when Carmen called to tell me that our relationship was over, that it had grown stale, that our life together had no prospects, that our sex life had become unexciting, that I no longer sparked her interest, and that she no longer loved me, I didn’t know how to respond. I was just relieved that we were having this conversation over the phone. That saved me the embarrassment of crying in front of her.

Sara: You were together for almost three years. Was there nothing you could have said or done to persuade her to reconsider?

Madman: No, I don’t think so.

Sara: Did it catch you off guard?

Madman: No, it didn’t. I could see it coming. For several months, everything felt off. I sensed her gradually drifting away, growing increasingly distant and turning down my affection.  

Sara: Did you ever discuss it with her?

Madman: I brought up the topic a few times, but she never admitted anything. She insisted that everything was alright and that I was just imagining things. Meanwhile, I couldn’t stop reflecting on our relationship and my own actions, attempting to figure out what might be wrong with me or what I could do differently. Sure, I had my own set of issues, dilemmas, emotional baggage, neuroses, obsessions, compulsions, and tics—who doesn't? We are human, and anyone who has lived this long has their share of them; only a machine wouldn’t. It’s simply part of human nature. Perhaps I’m exaggerating a bit, but I’m just trying to be honest. The key point is that I never allowed those shortcomings, as I refer to them, to interfere with our relationship or damage it. I made sure to keep them in check. I am aware that I’m not the most amazing person in the world, nor the best lover, nor the tall, athletic, attractive guy women fantasize about, but I am a good guy. I always treated her with love and respect. No matter where I was or what I was doing, if she was by my side, I felt happy. I was deeply in love, but I wasn’t overbearing; I gave her all the space she wanted. I did my best to be my best. Yet, obviously, that wasn’t good enough.  That realization would crush me and throw me into despair. However, I always managed to bounce back, accepting that there was little or nothing I could do to change the situation. I’ve been told that I worry too much, that I am overly intense, and that I shouldn’t take life too seriously, particularly when it comes to women. But what the fuck does that even mean? Am I supposed to just shrug things off? Should I act irresponsibly? Do I need to be an ass-hole, since, oddly enough, it seems that’s the type of guy who gets ahead in this world, and ironically, the one women are drawn to? I think that’s bullshit. Trust me, I’ve attempted to be like that, but it just doesn’t feel right for me. I have tried without success to change who I am, but I must come to terms with it. I can’t dictate how others should act, nor can I force anyone to love me. Love is an emotion that arises naturally and should be given willingly. Thus, I found myself standing there, helpless, as everything fell apart under its own pressure, unable to alter what was happening, aware that it would come to an end sooner rather than later. In fact, I knew it was all over back in Leipzig.

Sara: What do you mean? What happened in Leipzig?

Madman: About six months ago, we spent a week there. The entire time, aside from holding hands, she wouldn’t let me get close to her. One afternoon, while wandering around Augustusplatz, I realized I was staring at the girls passing by, following their movements with my eyes, just like I used to do when I was single before Carmen came into my life. That upset me very much. By the end of the day, we stopped by Grundmann for coffee. It was raining, but the setting sun still cast a glow on the distant horizon. Rain has a way of intensifying my romantic or melancholic feelings. I was sitting there, sipping my coffee, taking in the charm of Wilhelmstrasse as raindrops fell, feeling the tremors of the trams as they rolled by, while reflecting on what had occurred in Augustusplatz. I figured there was really no reason to be upset; I was simply overwhelmed by a deep sense of loneliness. Later, back at our hotel near the Hauptbahnhof, I couldn’t hold back any longer and asked for a hug. She did embrace me, but I could feel how detached she was while she did it. After that, I stepped into the shower and broke down in tears.

Sara: How are you managing?

Madman: It’s difficult. At times, I struggle to summon the strength I need. I feel as though I’m being pushed too close to the edge, and I’m afraid I’m losing my balance. Today and yesterday become only a passing dream, and I want to peacefully sink into the soothing, cleansing, redeeming waters and be buried in the open sea, far from the lights and the harbour bars, deep in the waves, where I long to be, under a sky of stars.
 
Sara: What are you going to do now?

Madman: I’m not sure. I would like to stay by myself. The desire for companionship and affection is constantly present, yet I feel it’s pointless to begin again. I’m weary and disheartened. I doubt that I have the motivation and energy to give it another shot.

Sara: Isn’t it necessary to have someone by your side to feel happy?

Madman: I don’t really subscribe to the idea of the myth involving male, female, and hermaphrodite individuals being cut in half by Zeus, forever seeking their missing half over the ages. We are ultimately alone and will always suffer from existential loneliness, as each of us is an individual who experiences life in a unique way. It’s essential for us to learn to be independent, individualistic, and self-reliant.

Sara: That sounds quite profound, but putting philosophy aside, I believe that everyone needs a meaningful connection with someone else. Some claim they don’t need anyone to live happily, but I find that hard to believe. Then again, perhaps they are indeed telling the truth, and they are extraordinary people who’ve been blessed by the gods. However, the reality is that we all experience moments of weakness and difficult times, and we need someone to support us, listen to us, and comfort us. Personally, I considered myself just an average girl who enjoyed life much more when I was with someone who shared similar views. When we are loved, we can face any challenge that comes our way. I also believe in the healing power of physical touch. It was the absence of such essential things that led me to put an end to my life.

Madman: I’m not sure; maybe you have a point. But it’s really frustrating, isn’t it? In many ways you’re at the mercy of others. Sometimes I just long to be hugged by a woman. The trouble, though, is that finding the right person is harder than hitting the jackpot. Is this how our brains are wired? Is this our true nature or a distortion of it? Is it a natural anomaly or a cruel joke by the gods? Or could it be that the ongoing search and unfulfilled desires have a role in the evolutionary process? What the fuck is it? All I know is that we are all on a quest for something.

Sara: Then, if you keep searching, you will eventually find it.

Madman: Don't you think that experiencing loneliness and the desire for companionship indicates a sense of inferiority?

Sara: No, I don’t. The sensation of loneliness is bigger and deeper than the sense of inferiority.  Oftentimes, feelings of inferiority are merely illusions, deceptions of our minds. In contrast, loneliness is real and true. It is like a wound, a void, an immense silence that emphasizes what we are missing and our search for it.

Madman: We often attempt to fill that emptiness with love. Yet, while love can be a strong hunger for life, it also carries a longing for death. This thing we call love is nothing more than a mirage, a natural mechanism to create sexual attraction between males and females for the preservation of the species. Love is temporary. Regardless of whom we fall in love with, sooner or later, we will fall out of love. Rien ne se passé si vite que le temps et l’amour.

Sara: Even if that is the case, you must admit that staying confined within the boundaries of our own egos can be painful. We all wish to escape from the prison of our own individuality and connect with the world around us. The phenomenon of falling in love—if you want to reduce it to a psycho-electric-chemical process, a genetically determined instinct to secure the survival of the species—allows us to transcend our own selves and unite with another person. The dramatic breakdown of our defenses, the near dissolution of our usual identity, and its reintegration, or rather its accommodation to someone else’s, is pure ecstasy. Loneliness ceases to be! Not to mention the immense sexual gratification that comes with mating with someone we love. It’s a natural high that makes the inevitable sorrow of falling out of love worthwhile.

Madman: Humans are incredibly complex beings, or perhaps should I say, twisted. We have basic physiological needs such as eating, drinking, sleeping, and mating. However, we’ve also evolved; we learned to stand upright on two feet and developed abstract thinking and verbal communication. Along with our physical needs, we have an infinite series of intangible or psychological needs as well. We crave social interaction, conversation, sharing experiences, touching, and being touched. Regardless of whether these needs are innate or distortions of our true humanity, we are powerless against them and must try to satisfy them. Love, in particular, is a peculiar phenomenon; it seems essential for our survival, yet it is almost impossible to find, and even when we do find it, retaining it is nearly unachievable. In other words, we are fucked up.

Sara: Don’t lose hope; you’ll find love again. Don’t you believe in second chances, serendipity, and the positive side of the universe bringing about good things?

Madman: No, I don’t. The universe operates according to chaos theory and the butterfly effect. It revolves around subatomic particles randomly and erratically colliding with one another and annihilating one another. But, there are moments when I feel as if I’m being punished by some superior force.

Sara: What are you trying to say?

Madman: A few years prior to meeting Carmen, I had a brief relationship with another woman named Jill. Although she wasn’t exactly what I’d consider “my type,” she was truly a remarkable person—smart, compassionate, and genuinely interested in me. I figured it was worth taking a chance on her. I thought, why not? Let’s give it a shot. Months later, I came to understand something I had instinctively known: she wasn’t the woman I truly wanted. So, I decided to break up with her and broke her heart. Ending a relationship is always tough; it’s a bitter experience, no matter how you approach it. Hurting someone else causes me a great deal of distress. Even now, I still feel guilty. I see this happening frequently: people falling for others who don’t feel the same way. Somebody pouring their emotions and devotion onto someone who turns them down. What an aberration! Why does nature allow such abominations to occur? What kind of sick superior intelligence is behind these cruel pranks? But anyway, do you see my point? How I did unto others, it’s being done unto me.

Sara: Do you blame her? I mean Carmen.

Madman: No, I don’t. She did what she had to do. We don’t get to choose when and with whom we fall in love or out of it. Remember? It’s all about Chaos Theory and the Butterfly Effect. It’s nobody’s fault; if anybody’s, it is mine.

Sara: Don’t you think you are being too hard on yourself?

Madman: Perhaps, but it’s often easier to blame others for our own failures. A more constructive approach is to take responsibility, learn from the experience, and do better next time.

Sara: Listen, I’ve been your friend for a long time, and I’ve seen how you respond to situations, often causing yourself needless pain. I can see you are very sad, disappointed, and probably angry at yourself. Please don’t do that! There’s no reason to blame yourself. Like you said, it’s nobody’s fault. Just give it some time; you will start to feel better. Time heals all wounds. I know that sounds like a cliché, but it’s definitely true. It’s also a matter of attitude; your perspective on suffering can either alleviate it or intensify it. Pain is something we all have to face, and surprisingly, it often leads to positive outcomes. As Alexandre Dumas famously observed in his novel “The Count of Montecristo,” “There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of living,” Most importantly, don’t follow in my footsteps.

Madman: That’s precisely what I intend to do.

Sara: You’re scaring me.

Madman: That’s not what I’m trying to say. I don’t think I have the courage to take my own life. Moreover, think about it—it's such a waste! Life goes on without you, missing out on all the positive contributions you could have made. Just look at you! You’re no longer here. Somebody has to carry on. I still have many places to explore, countless stories to write, and numerous lives to touch. As I’ve mentioned before, love is survival, redemption, and salvation, but there are other ways to survive beyond romantic love. There are always the support of friends and family, as well as the beauty and mystery of life. That’s what I’m getting at. You understand what I’m saying; you’ve experienced it yourself.

Sara: I did try to fill the emptiness I felt by finding joy in nature’s beauty and in writing my poems. I tried to be constant, like the unchanging, many-coloured sea.  But life made me scornful, and I eventually gave up. Please forgive me.  

Madman: There is nothing to forgive; we are only humans. While you may not learn anything from your mistakes now, I can. You made an effort, though it didn’t work out, but I will certainly bounce back. I will persevere. I shall straighten like a flame, not in the great calm of death, but in the vast ocean of life. And when life becomes small, I will stand on the seaward dunes and call your name. Wasn’t that your advice to me?

Sara: I’m feeling a bit confused. Didn’t you say you don’t believe in anything transcendent? That the universe is ruled by chaos and unpredictability?

Madman: I know I said that. But, we are undoubtedly more than mere flesh and bones. We are capable of being kind and compassionate. Although Nature is all around us, ultimately, true liberation is not attained through our perceptions, concepts, or any other form of external knowledge; instead, it arises from within, from our own positive inner experiences. I refer to this as a state of equilibrium—being at peace with oneself and with life.

© William Almonte Jiménez, 2011

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    • The character of the Madman is based on Majnum of “Layla and Majnum,” a love story that originated as a poem in ancient Arabia.
      • The character of Sara is based on Sara Teasdale (1884-1933), an American poet; she committed suicide. The Madman is talking to her ghost. The text in italics are verses written by her.
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